“No number 2’s on the bus.”
Alright, alright, we get it. We’ve all heard about the “no number 2” rule a million times on TV and movies. Don’t go number 2 in an RV or a tour bus. Got it! (I’ll get into just why that is in a second in case you didn’t already know). But there are a lot of other rules to consider when going on a tour by bus. You have to spend a lot of time as you travel from one venue to the next; sometimes you’ll spend upwards of 13 hours. Yes, make sure you have your Kindle filled with books and your laptop chocked full of movies. Let’s look at all the other rules you probably never thought of when going on a bus tour and some of the things that annoy me most while on a bus trip. This is tour bus etiquette, folks.
When I was first offered a job as a touring musician I was super excited. Thrilled! Hooray, my first tour. I was told that I’ll either be going with the cast or with the crew. This meant if I went with the cast I’d be on a multi-seat bus only meant for sitting and waiting; if I went with the crew I’d be on a sleeper bus.
I wanted the sleeper bus.
However, it didn’t work out that way. It’s probably for the best because the way it works is that after a show the cast of performers immediately goes either to the hotel, to sleep so we can leave early in the morning, or we leave directly to the next venue and hotel location. The crew, on the other hand, has to help take down all the props, load up the truck, make sure everything is ready to go, and then drive immediately to the next venue to set up and do it all over. It’s a rough job. The crew sleeps on the bus and the only time they’ll get a chance to sleep in a hotel room is if we’re in a location for more than a day. This is one of the reasons why you should always be thankful for the crew and show them as much consideration as you can on tour. They make sure your stuff gets from point A to point B safely and put in a lot of long hours.
During the first week of rehearsal, and just before we headed out for the first show, we all received a tour book. This book had most of what we needed to know.
It had the names and phone numbers of the cast and crew in case we needed to get in touch with anybody; there was the bus etiquette rules and regulations; there was the other policy info on accommodations, smoking, drug use (don’t do it), what to wear and expect and rehearsal, dress code, pets, luggage, blah blah blah, and then all the tour schedule stuff.
I read all of it. Some people, obviously, did not.
2012 was my first tour and I didn’t want to screw anything up. But look, it’s pretty much all common sense. However, it’s all written out in case you lack common sense and so that there’s written documentation so they can say, “look, it says right here in your tour book, ‘no hitch hikers.’ “
Here’s some knowledge I bestow upon you with some personal commentary from my first tour bus and the etiquette break down:
<u>How to prepare yourself for bus touring:</u>
“The standard luxury motor coach you will be touring on is not designed or meant for sleeping.” However, everyone will spend most of their time sleeping in uncomfortable positions and with their feet sprawled across the aisles. “It is every performers responsibility to get a good night sleep in your hotel room the night before traveling on the bus. If you think that you can stay out late or up socializing till early morning hours because your next day is a travel day and you intend to get your needed sleep on the bus…you are mistaken! and should not be part of this experience. Everyone at some point falls asleep while traveling on the bus which is a natural occurrence. We recommend you tour with books, magazine & cards, keep your phones, MP3 players, and computers charged (as there may or may not be outlets available on the bus) downloading movies and music prior to boarding the bus and whatever else you may think of to occupy this personal time to relax your body and mind.”
Alright, so with that I want to add that I’m 6’0″ – one of the taller people on the bus. I found it almost impossible to sleep while traveling. Everyone else around me had no problem. Good for them. I couldn’t do it. Plus, I wanted to see the country outside the window. I was so excited to be going out on tour that I didn’t want to miss a thing. Every house, hay bale, or burned down car factory we’d pass I’d say to myself, “well, I’ll never see that again. Bye, house in the country.”
It was also found out and passed around that I was the guy to go to for the movies and entertainment. I knew how to get stuff. I was like Red in Shawshank Redemption. I was a man that knew how to get things from time to time. I do NOT suggest allowing people to know that you can fix computers and supply them with their favorite TV shows and movies. You’ll be spending most of your time doing tech work and eliminating viruses off of people’s laptops.
Wow, the viruses people had on their laptops, man.
<u>Departure Times:</u>
The bus needs to depart promptly at the scheduled time arranged for by the Company Manager.” Okay, so while touring on a bus you’ll get a Company Manager who’s job is to make sure that everything goes smoothly, that everyone is on the bus after bathroom breaks, that the hotel rooms we’re going to have A/Cs, and all that jazz. “Anyone boarding the bus late and causing a departure delay will be fined $25. This money will be put into a collective pool that will be used for the benefit of everyone on the bus, whether it is for snacks, a meal or movie purchases. It is the goal that no one is late and the bus departs promptly to ensure a safe and timely arrival a the next destination.”
There were a couple of times people were very late getting on the bus. This was almost always due to someone’s alarm clock not going off, read, not being set right. Here’s what I did: I always have TWO alarm clocks. I have the front desk give me a wake up call and I set the alarm clock by my bed. I make sure that I’m showered and packed the night before. That way, all I have to do is wake up, get dressed, and head out the door. I always make sure I’m up a good hour before we have to be ON the bus. I want to be the first one on the bus every time. I want the Company Manager to know that he doesn’t have to worry about me being late ever. If I am late one day he’ll know that there is a serious problem.
Yes, there were a couple of times that the front desk of the hotel failed to give me a wake up call. That’s why I have the backup of the clock.
<u>Bus Seating:</u>
“Your Company Manager will work with everyone on seating arrangements, once decided please discuss with your Company Manager regarding any changes.”
Okay, so you can pretty much sit wherever you want but it’s best that when you find a place to sit then you should sit there every day. Whenever you stop for gas, snacks, and bathroom breaks, the Company Manager has to check and make sure everyone is back on the bus. It helps a lot if everyone is sitting in the same spot so it’s easy to tell if something is off.
My thing is that I rarely ever have to use the bathroom. However, some people have to go every five minutes. If this is you then I suggest sitting towards the back of the bus to get to the bathroom easier. This goes double when traveling long days. People will sleep on the bus and sometimes they’ll stretch out across the aisles. So if you’re trying to work your way from the front of the bus to the back you’ll have to hop over everyone’s legs.
When I was traveling we had a kid with us that was about 13. It was very difficult for him to go to the bathroom cause he wasn’t tall enough to simply step over people’s legs. He would have to put his hands on the seats to the left and right of him to help him leap over people so they wouldn’t wake up.
That being said, if you sit back by the bathrooms be prepared to be welcomed by the acrid smell of piss every time that door opens up. That’s one of the reasons why no shits are allowed on the bus. There’s a mechanism on the toiler that closes up when it’s not in use. This helps keep the smell out. It helps but it’s not fool proof.
Also, the tank has to be emptied out every so often and it’s a lot easier to get rid of a tank full of piss than a tank full of piss and shit. Also, no one wants to clean lumps of shit out of the evacuation tube that goes from the bus to the dump tank. If you have to shit then wait for a gas station stop. If you’ve got diarrhea than I feel sorry for you son, you got 99 problems and a #2 is one.
My other bit I want to add about getting to be first on the bus is that I would do this thing where I’d put my luggage in the luggage department first. The luggage department can be reached from either side of the bus. But when people get off the bus they always want to use the doors to the luggage department right by the door of the bus. I would put my luggage in and push it to the other side of the bus. That way it didn’t matter when I got off the bus, I could just walk around to the other side, open the compartment door, get my stuff out and be on my way.
GENIUS!!!!
<u>Bus Maintenance:</u>
“You will be spending a lot of time on the bus so we ask you treat the bus with care. Do not destroy of deface the interior or exterior of the bus in any way. Any costs related to damages caused by any member of the company will be deducted from that individuals next pay check. If you have any questions or concerns regarding the bus please speak with your company manger who will in turn relay your concerns or comments to the driver.”
<u>Bus Cleanliness:</u>
“Everyone is responsible to keep their seat and surrounding space clean. Snacks and beverages must remain sealed and closed when not being used. If your space is left messy when you depart the bus, all food items will be subject to disposal by both the Company Manager and the bus driver. “
Ugh, there’s nothing grosser than a messy little pig. Clean up after yourselves, people.
<u>Personal Items:</u>
“Although the bus is under contract for the tour, we do not recommend you leave any important, personal or valuable items on the bus at any time when you are not on it. Personal pillows, blankets, clothing items, snacks, etc. etc. may be left on the bus at your own discretion but are not the responsibility of the company. The bus driver and the Company Manager will do regular sweeps of the bus every opportunity you are not on it and may discard any items that they deem trash or inappropriate.”
When I’m on tour I like to buy things for people back home. The only opportunity I have to mail these things back to my house is when we run across a hotel or venue that is by a FedEx or UPS Store. So, yeah, I’ll keep some stuff in the over head bin. I’ll keep my pillow, blanket, and magazines on the bus. There’s not really a reason to take all that junk. I will, however, take my Traveler guitar with me to practice in the hotel room. And, hey, if someone takes my blankey off the bus I’ll just buy a new one at the next gas station.
My main thing I use blankets for on the bus is to build blanket forts. Blanket forts are an important part of traveling for me so that I can stay grounded and centered. This is where I do all my plotting for world domination. I highly suggest convincing others to make blanket forts, too. One day I’d like to make a whole traveling blanket fort bus…rife with hidden passages and tunnels. Yeah, that’d be the best!!
And if you can make a “Keep Out” sign
then even better.
<u>Stretching and Staying Fit:</u>
“There are many online sites where you can acquire a variety of”……ok, no one cares about this part.
<u>Smoking:</u>
No smoking on the bus! Please do not stand by the outside door of the bus while smoking as smoke may seep through the bus door or windows into the first few rows of the bus.”
Not only is it a health issue but it’s rude. If you’re a non-smoker you probably don’t want to smell cigarette smoke. I’m the odd one on this one. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life but I do enjoy me some second-hand smoke on occasion. I don’t know, it just reminds me of playing in dive bars and shitty clubs. I like the smell of cigarette smoke on my girlfriend, too. Maybe I’m just weird that way. I’m the exception in this case though. There are some people out there that are actually allergic to cigarette smoke. So don’t be an asshole – if you smoke then stay away from the bus so it doesn’t get inside.
<u>Food & Beverages:</u>
“Please do not bring any food on the bus that has a strong odors that may resonate or be offensive to others. Onions, garlic, and other food items with lingering smells takes hours to clear the air. Please have sealed bags with you to wrap all remaining food items until such time as they can be disposed of at rest stop or off the bus. Do not leave food on the bus overnight as it may spoil and cause odors or attract bugs. No alcoholic beverages on the bus at any time.”
Alright, folks, this is the big one for me.
Bringing food on the bus! Holy shit, will that make me want to kill you.
Look, I love the smell of bacon, eggs, sausages, and hasbrowns. I love the smell of warm buttery toast and hot coffee, man. Doesn’t that sound good? Yeah. But I have no idea what happens or what changes but when all that stuff gets into a small space like a tour bus it becomes nauseating to me. Especially coffee. And I drink coffee all day long. If it’s my own coffee it’s not a problem. But if it’s someone else’s coffee then look out.
I guess this stems back to my youth. Whenever my parents would go on a long family trip they’d always get coffee to bring with them. Sometimes they’d go to McDonalds and everyone would get breakfast on the go. I would pray, “please don’t get coffee…please don’t get coffee.” But they always wood. And the smell of that hot coffee in the car would give me this pounding head ache. Ugh, it’s the worst.
Then, years later on a tour bus, this guy would sit across from me that would bring in food from the hotel’s free continental breakfast. He’d come on the bus with this styrofoam plate stacked with eggs and bacon and it just grossed me out. First of all, I don’t like watching people eat or seeing people eat around me. Just people shoving food down their gullets is gross and weird. But the smell…ugh.
And it says it, right here, in the book. Don’t bring food on the bus with…look, am I being unreasonable? I know it says onions and garlic but the smell of someone else’s breakfast is what really gags me. I don’t mind candy and stuff like that. Have at it. But a big steaming pile of breakfast. Yuckaroo!
<u>Personal Hygiene:</u>
“Please do not awake moments prior to bus departure times. Everyone should leave themselves enough time to shower, brush their teeth, and adhere to standard personal and healthy hygiene. Remember, the bus is an enclosed space that is shard by many individuals and it is respectful to maintain your own personal hygiene as you would expect from others. It will be at the Company Managers discretion to remove any individual from the bus whose personnel hygiene appearance and extra curricular activities are an obvious effect of inappropriate conduct. The company manager will determine the regular schedule for bathroom stops, the on board bathroom should be used for emergencies only.”
Hello, exactly.
We never really had an issue with this. But come on, it’s just common sense. Don’t get on the bus all funky smelling like a skunk rolled in pig vomit.
One of the things that was not in my tour book is Noise.
Most everyone has headphones to listen to music and movies. So don’t blast your tunes so loud that the music leaves the earphones and I can hear it. I don’t want to listen to your Beyonce or Wolfman Cat and the Sensaphonic Monkeybones. No thank you.
I’m very considerate to other people around me…especially behind me. I like to watch brutal horror movies. I’m sure the people behind me don’t want to glance over and see some guy getting his head bashed in with a fire extinguisher. I know that. I’m considerate of that.
And to wrap things up is a little video from the road. This video below shows how people slept at night while traveling, the things we would see out the window, and the goofy things I would do.
Maybe blanket forts were annoying to some people. Hmm, I’ll keep that in mind for next time.
