Stop naming your kids after fictional characters!

stop naming your kids after sitcom characters

There is an epidemic sweeping the nation. It deals, in part, with a cultural divide separating my generation from the upcoming batch of kids–the ones who will never learn how to change a flat tire on their own. It is said that we’re raising a country of entitled freeloaders who get their personalities from the antics of sitcom characters and dialogue influenced by Diablo Cody scripts. They’re pampered little babies living in a NERF world of paternalism and made safe by politically correct self-censorship, monitored by their own social media addiction, and policed by 140-character hashtag activists.  This coming generation has gained an unearned arrogance towards authority figures, i.e., teachers, police officers, and parents. But I submit that this paradigm shift is not a result of the failing public education system or significant lack of role models; I submit that this culture, that readily embraces mediocrity, is a result of how parents are christening their children with fictional forenames–first names that, in effect, help map out their owners’ futures in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Stop naming your kids after fictional characters!

There has been a huge upswing in kids being named after characters in TV shows and movies. Did you like “The Ring” when it came out? Sure, we all did. Unfortunately, a lot of people walked out of that movie saying to themselves, “if I ever have a kid I’m gonna name him Aiden.”

No, that’s a terrible thing to think. Do you know what you’re setting your kid up for by naming him Aiden? You’re setting him up for 17 to 18 years of school-yard beatings because with a name like Aiden he can only end up a douche. Dubbing a kid “Aiden” lets him know that he’s expected to be a sophisticated hipster sans British accent. Naming your kid Aiden is one step away from naming him Fleance.
“You know, I read Macbeth in high school and loved the name Fleance and so I told myself if I ever had a boy or girl I’d name them Fleance… More tea?  Let’s put on some smooth jazz and pretend we’re not total white trash.”

Naming your kid some pretentious name like Aiden or Fleance spells out what a selfish twat you really are as a parent.  It’s the first decision you’ve made as a parent (aside from keeping away from coat hangers) that you’ve failed. You’ve exhibited no concern or forethought to what the rest of your kid’s life will be like with such a horrendous name.
If you grow up with a name like Aiden you can kiss goodbye the thought of ever being a tough guy. There are no bouncers, police officers, military officers, or welders named Aiden. Your best bet is that you might luck out and get a job as a pilot.
I can see an Aiden flying for Virgin Airlines.

And then there’s “Chandler.”
If you name your kid Chandler you’re either legally brain-dead or you were trapped in a house for 9 months while pregnant, forced to have the kid when you didn’t want it, and now engaged in a passive aggressive attempt to get the kid to kill himself.

Yes, we all watched “Friends” from time to time when it was on, but that doesn’t give you the excuse to imbue some tyke with the effeminate name of Chandler. I’ve been seeing more and more Chandlers popping up and these kids are all destined to be self-righteous date rapists who blame the victim.  The parents are even worse because they’re the ones that think their little Chandler is “gifted” and inherently better than the other kids.

You can’t even shorten Chandler to make it sound cool. What’s he going to do, shorten it to Chan? Why, so everyone who doesn’t know him will assume he’s Asian? Do you, the parent, have any regard for other people besides yourself? Do you have any concept of how your poor decisions adversely affect the lives of others?

Naming your kid something as terrible as an Aiden or Chandler is worse than any car wreck you could’ve cause. At least with a car wreck you could eventually move on from it with physical therapy. Being born and raised with a sitcom name stays with you forever. And no, it’s not a matter of simply changing your name to something else. People will always know you as “Cosmo” or “Brickston.”

If you name your kid “Destiny” I sincerely hope that one day she stabs you in the temple while you’re sleeping because you’ve doomed her to a life of stripping. The same goes for names like Precious, Fallyn, and any city name misspelled to sub for a person’s name: Tullsa, Brook’Lynn, Portlynn, Myami, etc.

Let’s be honest, if you name your kid “Jeeves” you’re telling that kid that there’s no need to go to college since he’ll be living the butler’s life until he dies. If you name your girl “Strawberry” then you’re severely limiting any top-tier job for them for any company…ever. No one will take you seriously with a name like that. No one will want to hire a CEO named “Blayde.” No one will listen to your opinion if your name is “Houston.”

Bestowing such ridiculous names on your children is basically informing them on how to act as a kid and where they can go as an adult. So get your head out of your ass and pick a better for that little mistake in your belly. Perhaps you can think of something better than “Jemima” since slavery has been abolished.

#OfCourseI’mBeingFacetious #TheRealProblemIsTheGenerationalEmbraceOfMediocrity #AndTheGlorificationOfThugBehavior #AndThePursuitOfCelebrityFromNothing

About Jay Lamm

J. Lamm is the bassist, vocalist, song writer, and keyboardist for the mercurial metal band Cea Serin. While away from Cea Serin J. Lamm also performs live with Cirque Dreams as a touring musician. J. Lamm has also written and recorded music for movies, television and radio.
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